My Take On BDSM......

... Am I Normal?

Short answer, most definitely! While sections of society tell us there are only a limited number of right ways to go about sexual expression, the fact you found my blog shows you know it isn't true. Sexual expression between consenting adults can become unhealthy when it is repressed. I for one, can point to reasons of divorce or couples falling apart, but many of them boil down to lack of communication.

A need existed and wasn't conveyed to the other partner. The need doesn't need to be a BDSM need, of course, but if the scene world teaches us anything, it's communication is paramount! Also, go easy on yourself. Like a lot of things in life, you will make mistakes, everybody does. The reason to learn is so little mistakes don't become huge ones!

It may seem weird to be excited by the elements of BSDM, but there are factors that explain those feelings. Distance runners talk about something known as "runners high". This feeling comes when they push themselves on a personal level. The cause of the feeling is due to a release of chemicals in the brain known as endorphins. These chemicals cause a feeling of euphoria and well being that can be extremely powerful! Exercise, orgasm, even foods can cause this release, in certain individuals, so can BDSM play. After intense (intense being relative to that person) play many people talk about a sense of well being reaching a blissful state and contentment and some individuals are absolutely off the wall from the intense endorphin rush!

What is BDSM?

BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline, Sadism & Masochism. While the terms are some what interchangeable, they're some basic definitions. Bondage normally involves some form of restraint combining with some form of sensation play. The restraints can be anything really. Thinking about it, it can be holding your lovers hands to very elaborate forms of immobilisation. Stockings, neck ties, rope, cling film, or just about anything strong enough to wrap around a body part can be used. You don't have to spend lots of cash unless you want to and then the skies the bloody limit lol. The sensation play can be as basic as a feather or as complicated as a whip, cane or other devices. Once again, you don't have to spend lots of money to have some fun. A hair brush doesn't cost a lot now does it?! - but works well, in addition to having some classic BDSM connections. Discipline can be the chastisement, in whatever form you choose, that can accompany bondage.

Discipline & Bondage can go hand in hand, discipline can stand alone. Discipline can be about Control and obedience without involving any other association of BDSM or it can involve all of them it is a personal choice and journey. Sadism & Masochism takes things up a notch. Sadists enjoy inflicting torment and pain, Masochists enjoy receiving that torment. Admitting to yourself that you are a Sadist doesn't mean you are ready to be part of a dictatorship - just as admitting to yourself and others you are a Masochist doesn't mean you want to end up as a guest of that dictatorship. When we talk about Sadists and Masochists we are talking about people who honour and use safe words, respect themselves and those they choose to partake in such play and know limits and understand boundaries! Like I have said in previous blog's boundaries are often pushed too far and we need to remember why they have been put in place! For more info see my blog on "Extremism!" There is positive pain and negative pain. Bad pain could be the dentist hitting a nerve (sorry dentists!) An example of good pain is the sensational warming that spreads through your entire body when you play with some one who really knows how to use a flogger, whip or cane or even their hand. Terms like Master/Mistress and slave. DOMinant & SUBimissive, Top & Bottom. They're all terms that are more about roles and relationships and about play.


What BDSM is not!

BDSM is NOT abusive. An abuser doesn't take the time to learn safe play, safety words, boundaries and an abuser certainly does not respect one's limitations. There is an enormous difference between abuse and responsible BDSM. There's more to abuse than domestic violence. Not taking NO for an answer, not honouring a safe word, or taking advantage of the unequal power relationship that exists between Dom and Sub are also forms of abuse. Calling yourself a Dominant, Master/Mistress, or Top is NOT an excuse to be an arsehole. Calling yourself a Slave, submissive or bottom is not an excuse to lead people on, confusing people with what or who you are, or to be the "bell of the ball". It is not an excuse to be a brat either. I personally have experiences with both sides, I have said before I served my time with a Master and Mistress so I understand how EVERYTHING feels. In my opinion this makes me an accomplished Mistress as I can give "everything" knowing how it feels for "real."

Safe, Sane and Consensual.

This is the anthem of the scene community! You will see countless debates on what SSC really means, but you will see very little debate on the necessity of these concepts. SAFE- To begin it must be said that nothing is 100% safe, including BDSM. Safety includes many, many, things. It means understanding and respecting your limitations, Dom and Sub alike. It means taking precautions for example having safety scissors EMT shears are good for this or bandage scissors, they will cut through almost anything! Also, having more then one key to things that lock, having locks that use one common key is something I find to be a good idea. It might sound basic but keeping things clean and using condoms or other barrier protection when needed!!!!! It means having some simple first aid items to hand, which isn't a bad idea anyway. I have NEVER needed my first aid kit while playing, but I've needed it twice while cooking dinner lol! My Mistress always used to say to me and I remember it well "As a Dom, you may have paid a bundle for that BDSM toy, but a willing subject who gives you the gift of their submission is PRICELESS!" Never a truer word spoken! SANE - You will probably see more debate on this word than any other. It means understanding what's possible and what should remain fantasy to each of us. That picture or artwork of the beautiful women or that to die for guy may look beautiful as they hang by piano wire tied to their thumbs while being whipped with the whip made of chain saw blades! Yes I know!!! But that's a fantasy people. If you try that, you'll soon be featured on the nightly news with a name like "The Mental Mangler!" Seriously, knowing the difference between what should remain as a fantasy and what you can actually be done is an important, step to being a responsible member of our scene community, even if you only play privately people. It is also a good idea taking the time to learn about the newest thing you want to try, by taking in information, reading, observing, talking to others with experience, and practising if needed. Finally, it also means that drugs, alcohol or anger and scening DO NOT mix. You need a level head, a steady mind to enjoy and fulfil your hearts desires! CONSENSUAL - This may be the most important concept of all!!!! I cannot stress this enough! It is what separates us from the abusers out there. Everything we do is based on consent. Consenting to play and then negotiating what will happen. Consenting to enter into a Dom/sub relationship. You may be Grand Master Dominant of the Fifth Dragon and she may be first Kajira but the relationship is consented, and consent once given can also be withdrawn. The ability to do that can be modified by negotiated agreements, but, if, and when consent is withdrawn, that withdrawal must be honoured. Negotiation is a particularly important part of a first scene. Basically it means finding out our lover's limitations, interests and physical limitations. You can approach this in many ways, through discussion or even a written questionnaire. This may sound pretty boring and sterile but done right it can be a lot of fun and very sensual. Use your imagination, something like "So slut, what's in that filthy little mind of yours?" and then go from there. Remember this just isn't the Dom's responsibility, the Sub has to actively participate also. Telling a Dom you have no limits "anything you wish to do to me master" is sort of like letting a mouse loose in a cheese factory! Negotiation is not the time to be coy, especially on things like the location of your asthma medication or anything else you might need medically, while you are playing your desires should also be explored. A Dom is not a mind reader although I have been called one on many occasions, and shouldn't feel the need to play the role of Big Bad Omnipotent One either. If you the Dom aren't comfortable doing something say that. A potential submissive partner worthy of the name should appreciate the fact you will say you aren't comfortable with something rather than compromise their safety!

Safe Words

One safety technique is known as the safe word. This is a word the sub can use in play to either modify the scene or stop it completely. Any random word that doesn't sit right in the play setting is appropriate, something like farm, eagle, beetroot, I know it can sound a bit daft, but No, Stop and Ouch are obviously poor safe words. Some people use the stop light system, this is ok as well. I also put in place a safety word for my subjects to use so that anything they say after using it is to be honoured. This works well when you have a problem that doesn't require the scene to stop, like a cramp or something, but it might not be best in an emergency. Parties will often have a "house safe word". Anyone within earshot or safety people (Dungeon Masters/Mistresses) can respond if they hear the word. If a player is gagged an alternative safe sign can be used, such as a hand signal, series of noises, or dropping an object I have placed in their hands. Safe words are another item to include in negotiation. If a Dom doesn't honour safe words, leave! It isn't worth the risk!

Aftercare

A scene doesn't necessarily end when the toys and implements are put away. Cuddling and comforting is a great way to end things. Many subs like to be held after a scene. Some people can be very emotional after playing and need to be taken care of. Also it's a good idea to have some snacks and juices and/or caffinated drinks handy, as well as plenty of water, this is something I offer to all who visit me. Aftercare can also be one of the best parts of a scene as far as I'm concerned, many simply talk of a level of intimacy and closeness that they don't get anywhere else. After an intense scene people can have various reactions anywhere from several hours to a few days. Subs AND Doms can experience an emotional drop usually known as "top or bottom drop". If you are not a couple/group living together you should keep in touch. Email works, but a phone call is better and actually getting together is best. You may not always experience a drop, but a follow up call is still a good idea. You will be taking care of an emotional need that can be as strong as the physical need you have already taken care of.

Types of Play

It's very important to note that scene play does not have to involve B and D or S and M. Some Dominant/submissive relationships are purely cerebral. There really is no right or wrong way to play as long as safety isn't ignored. It's well beyond the scope of my blog to talk about every type of play or scene but below are some of the basics. Remember, ALL of these topics and the myriad of others that exist should be part of negotiation at all times. Bondage - As stated above, bondage can be very simple or very elaborate, taking hours to apply. It's relatively easy for an adult to find examples of bondage on the Internet, some practical and some that are strictly fantasy just remember to take everything in the correct context! With practice and experience, the line between fantasy and reality narrows but it is very important to realise that for some photos the model was put into the situation as quickly as possible, the picture taken ASAP and the model was then taken out of the situation ASAP. I know this to be fact as I have in my past partaken in such things. Discipline - Discipline can be anything, from feather to whip, or cane. Discipline can also be mental stimulae. As with most things in the scene discipline is relative, ones persons bliss is another persons agony!

Fetishes - It is possible to have a fetish for anything. Common fetishes include foot and shoe fetishes, breast fetishes, for me, it's hands, I adore people's hands, I feel they tell us a story about that particular person, you can tell a lot about someone by looking, touching, smelling their hands and I choose to act upon my fetish whether I am choosing the Dominant or the submissive role. The idea that everyone has individual fingerprints enthrals me! Think how many adults are alive and then think about what that actually means! Mmmmmm, other fetishes include articles of clothing, smoking, etc. It is thought that fetishes stem from associating or objectifying something in youth in connection with a sexual thought or act. This I know to be true, as I know where my fondness of hands springs from. The association becomes stronger until sexual arousal becomes difficult or impossible without that something present either physically or at least being present in the mind. Brought into a scene, producing that something can make the fetishist absolutely melt.

Role Play -Role play can be anything you desire for example teacher and pupil, policewoman/man and criminal, priest and nun, virtually anything you can imagine. As a Gavin and Stacey fan, Charles and Camilla looks like light hearted fun! hehehe! It can be very serious or light and playful. For some, role play can be a way to act out very deep fantasies and emotions. People can literally become the role for a time making sexual things easier and avoiding embarrassment as they are technically someone else at that moment in time . If you know someone is in a role, you should respect it, as you would respect any scene.

Clothing.

Clothing can make a scene. We've all viewed pictures on the Internet of leather or rubber outfits, pvc, lingerie, corsets and clothing that defy imagination. Clothing can help set the mood or help participants assume a role. Ultimately though, clothing is but an extension of one's self. You don't need to spend all kinds of money unless you want to. If you feel sexy in a burlap bag, then you ARE sexy. There is no right or wrong answer. Like I have said many, many times this is a personal journey.

In Conclusion

The bottom line is to act responsibly. There are many who oppose the scene community. They will use any misconception about us to reach their ends. Sadly, we sometimes do things to further those misconceptions. It might be fun to lead your submissive through a shopping centre on a lead or have your feet worshipped at the bus stop, but be aware you are non-consensually involving the vanilla public and serving those who would see us put into a hole! Also please be careful when selecting you Master or Mistress there are many that simply tick a box, purchase a cane or crop and decide to give themselves a title such as Mistress or master. I have met submissives who have met with such individuals and have ended up bored or in a situation in A&E with a physical emergency! Some people openly ask me why I blog about my personal take on the scene and in some cases give away certain things? It's like this guy's and girl's. I love my chosen profession and I fully understand what I choose to do. Some may read my blog and try to emulate me, but they do not have my wealth of experience or knowledge. There is also the point that some of my points on responsibility, respect and negotiation will be taken into account as well, so it's not all bad. Play safe and take care of all around you.

Warm regards,


Mistress Tia. X x